I just wanted to share some of my story today, because I just came full circle on a long ago begun healing process. I know I felt broken, and I always felt different than others as far back as I can remember. I was adopted and went through a couple of homes as a baby before I came to stay with the parents that raised me. I found out through the adoption agency that they expected abuse from the second home where I stopped eating. I bring this up because when I began my healing process I always felt there was a power within me working against me. It was something more than the present confusion, self-hate and shame. I had a hard time putting things into words and have very few concrete memories growing up. I remember in school feeling on overload. This being said my healing journey was not linear. It was not until I came across yoga and some other healing modalities that I was introduced to the idea that I had unprocessed, undigested memories in my subconscious. Because these were formed before I had words they did not arise into my consciousness for healing. so I still had emotional toxicity in my subconscious and in my body.Holy cow, the body has a memory too? It sure does! This is when I dove into meditation, and yoga exercises for further healing. This is when I felt an internal shift so powerful I was truly stepping out of my old skin; The freedom indescribable. I became present in a new body. It is hard to explain. I also believe that some of what was healed was energies from when I was in my mothers womb and from being born with my umbilical cord around my neck. The reason I am sharing this, Is because if you or someone you know has been trying to heal, and change their story, but something keeps holding them back, I wanted to let you/them know there is hope! Never give up until you find the way! Maybe you have some hurt that has no words, issues left in your tissues. It is not you failing. You might just have another area of cleansing to do.
I hope this helps. Feel free to contact me for specific modality solutions.
Funks use to really mess me up! It seemed like every time I would get my momentum going I would hit some kind of a funk. So, I had to decide I needed to become a master at getting out of a funk. I learned a few things a long the way. One) Never feed the funk! Two) start small. For example: wake up and read one line from a positive book. Or do one affirmation. Right before bed do the same. Or I can visualize the manifestation of one of my dreams. Three) Be deliberate about the food I chose to eat. There are foods that create a lower vibration in me. I learned to stay away from pastas and breads. I had to stay away from heavy foods and fried foods. It is very important for me to eat lots of greens, oranges, apples, and drink lots of water. No dairy. I do not know if this would work for everyone. I am just sharing some of the tools that helped me. Four) The other thing I needed to do was to tell someone! It was too easy for the desire for isolation and quiet to turn on me.
Five) When in a funk, it is very important for me not to judge myself or the situation. This keeps it from spiraling into a depression.
Six) Movement: Even if it is for 1 minutes. Show up and do 60 seconds of something vigorous!
Of course there are also times where the only option is to just ride it out!
BUT NEVER EVER FEED THE FUNK!
Once I started on my journey of self healing I had to do a lot of letting go. There was a lot of dying off of different layers, but there was also letting go of stories that were with me for so many years it felt like they were part of my identity. There is a very scary period where you are creating the new you, who really is the true you, but you are not quite familiar with her yet or what life looks like being her. So there are periods were the fear wants to grip onto what you know. Those are the most important times to chose the new story and not quit before the miracle. The transformation is happening and we are succeeding way before we feel like we are! The transformation happens when I trust the process. I continue letting go, and tap into that ancient place inside of me that knows the true magnificence of who I am and what I am capable of. I no longer chose to dim my light because others recent it, or laugh at it or don’t understand it or don’t like it! I now see that when I chose to shine, I helps others have the courage to shine! If she can do it, I can do it, if I can do it, You can do it! And the whole gets to light up. So today I chose not to give up, no matter what thought might try to sneak in that day! Because, I believe in the light, in truth, in love, in forgiveness, in sharing, in celebrating when others succeed, I do not believe the lie anymore! I am not my past and the only power it holds today is the strength it gives me to pull someone else up out of theirs.
Recently, I have experienced some beautiful moments. Moments that had me thinking: How did I get here? Beautiful accomplishments that had me in tears.
I worked very hard to get here. There were so many years that my past and my outside circumstances dictated my life in a negative way. It was like one negative experience beget another negative experience. The worst part about it was I did not know I had any control over the things that were happening. It was not until things got so bad and I got so sick that thins changed. It changed because of a decision I made followed by continuous action. After my leg was amputated, I had a choice to make. Who did I want to be? I decided I wanted to live. I was not going to let my amputation noir my pain bring me down. I will never forget that day. I started reading books that would teach me how to live under the circumstances I had. I began watching amputees who were professional athletes. I got up every morning and started new rituals. I went to bed expecting to wake up feeling better instead of worse. I fed these new thoughts and beliefs minute by minute. I would catch myself when the old way snuck itself back in.
Yesterday, I hit a milestone that had me in tears.
I was told I would never walk again. I read articles that said my prosthetic was 100 times harder to learn. I had so many days my thoughts would tell me I was getting worse, that there was no use working out and learning how to walk.
Yesterday, for the first time in many years. I walked to my car, drove to Hangar by myself. I walked out of my appointment and began to cry. For a moment I stood there forgetting I was even an amputee! I almost did not go, because the fear in my stomach was so powerful. The first thoughts in my head told me I couldn’t do it. Thank God by now, I knew how to recognize the old lies. My new knowledge kicked in and I told myself: It is time. If you never do it, you will never do it. I can not even describe to you in words the exhilaration and gratitude I experienced yesterday for being alive. The gratitude for the gift to walk!
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So much of my life story was about sickness and suffering. Changing your story is vital to get out of the sickness cycle and the pain cycle. It took me awhile to see that I woke up every day and fed the sickness. My life was an unconscious creation. Unconsciously I was feeding all the bad. But deep down inside somewhere I knew that the inner me was about health. I began feeding new visions, new thoughts and allowing myself to dream again. I began paying attention of the things that were coming out of my mouth. I made a conscious choice that no longer would I give any illness more power. No longer was I going to feed my pain level that day and let it dictate my day!!! NO MORE! Instead I was going to remind myself my body was created to naturally heal. I was going to see myself walking into places. Walking my dog. As soon as I noticed I was focusing on my pain I would stop and change my focus. It took me a long time to realize that just knowing new concepts was not enough. I had to apply them. IT TAKES WORK. It can be an up and down process and sometimes in the beginning you might think you are not getting anywhere. I spend decades feeding the old paradigms, living a life of unconscious creation. I TOOK BACK MY POWER OF CHOICE. The more I kept at it, continually picking myself back up and not beating myself up for falling backwards. My outer and inner experience has changed. I was actually experience a shift. I am no longer a victim of life or a victim of my past!!! It works, it actually works!
The more I practice it, the more It becomes a part of me. Everyday I wake up and choose to fight for myself! Love myself! Be kind to myself!
I choose life!
I woke up this morning and realized I felt no pain. I began crying, overwhelmed with gratitude. I remember two years ago when I got home from the convalescent after my amputation. It took everything I had to go to the kitchen and back. If I took a shower, it was a great day! The two years before my amputation I basically lived in the hospital or in a convalescent. Surgery after surgery.
This morning I allowed myself to truly experience the moment, this day free of pain. Yesterday I went to pilates and out with a friend. Today, I cleaned my home and had lunch with a friend. It is so important to allow ourself to see the progress. I have reached a milestone. So many time we arrive and do not even realize it because there is always the next milestone. In two years I have come so far. I got here by taking one step at a time. Conquering one thing at a time. adding one healthy habit at a time.
Living with chronic pain, it is even more important that we celebrate the little things and the big things. It is easy to forget how far we have come when we are trying to get over another hurtle. Two years ago, I set an intention to take control of my mind. Changing my thoughts, changing my story.
Today was the manifestation of that work. Tomorrow, I wake up and I continue to fight.
Why? Because, its worth it!
Why? Because I am going to walk again!
Consistency is the key to healing! Whatever new practice I am learning about, or implementing into my healthy habits must be done consistently. I love the saying:” Do not quit before the miracle!” In the beginning of my healing journey I remember moving from thing to thing and thinking:” None of this is working”. So, after many months of frustration and struggling with wanting to just give up I read something by Deepak Chopra that changed my life. When dealing with holistic modalities and practices they work on the core of the problem. They don’t quick fix your symptoms. For example, when I began cooking and eating to decrease chronic inflammation in my body ( which is associated with many diseases) it took more than 30 days for me to really start experiencing the feeling of relief. Being in pain sucks, and I know we want to get relief NOW, but all the now remedies I ever came across have long term side effects that can damage our bodies and minds. When you start healing from a holistic remedy, your body and mind are actually healing, because it is healing you at a cellular level! Pain is our body communicating with us; “HELP, SOMETHINGS WRONG, HELLO, DO SOMETHING!” Therefore it does not make sense to just numb the bodies warning system.
Another example is meditation or visualization-It took Joe Dispenza five years to heal his back. But do not be discouraged, once you begin feeling the results a little it gets better from there! SO it is worth the work.
I started with one practice and then added another and so on.
Even if it is as small as starting to eats broccoli sprouts every day. START SOMEWHERE or you will never get anywhere.
Pick something today, once that has become a habit, then add something else. If it is meditation or visualization start with 2 minutes and then add a minute at a time. IT WORKS!